In her book, Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott introduces the concept of a “fierce” conversation. Scott explains that although the word “fierce” may have negative connotations, it means having robust, intense, and powerful discussions in the context of a conversation.
Scott posits the importance of authentic conversations instead of superficial ones, as unreal conversations can be costly for organizations and individuals. To have fierce conversations, however, we must practice the seven principles of fierce conversation.
Let’s explore each principle in turn.
The Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations
- Principle 1. Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality
- Principle 2. Come Out from Behind Yourself Into the Conversation and Make It Real
- Principle 3. Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else
- Principle 4. Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today
- Principle 5. Obey Your Instincts
- Principle 6. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake
- Principle 7. Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting
Principle 1. Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality
Scott emphasizes the importance of recognizing that plans often collide with reality and that reality can shift at work and home. Markets, economies, and people are constantly changing, sometimes without communicating these changes to others. Thus, Scott advises regularly questioning and examining our reality at work and in our personal lives.
We should ask ourselves if our plan(s) still makes sense and what adjustments are necessary for ourselves and others. Instead of blaming, Scott suggests modifying our language by using “and” instead of “but.” She also encourages us to ensure the health of our personal and workplace integrity by conducting regular integrity scans and addressing any issues that arise.
Principle 2. Come Out from Behind Yourself Into the Conversation and Make It Real
Having real conversations instead of unreal ones is important, as the latter can harm individuals and organizations. The key, writes Scott, is to have open and honest discussions where people can truly express themselves. When conversations are real, meaningful change can happen.
Scott also encourages us to be our true selves and let our energy shine. By being clear about our goals and visualizing them vividly, we can bring them to life. The author suggests challenging ourselves when we say “I don’t know” and taking our lives seriously.
Principle 3. Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else
Scott emphasizes the significance of our conversations in determining the success or failure of our work, relationships, and lives. She explains that while no single conversation can guarantee a complete transformation, any conversation has the potential to do so. Thus, we should approach each conversation as if it’s the most important one we’ll ever have with that person because it could be.
Whether it’s a brief interaction or a longer discussion with a partner, we should give our undivided attention to the other person, asking genuine questions and listening attentively to understand them better. Scott also introduces the concept of the Decision Tree, which helps establish clear boundaries and thresholds for decision-making when communicating with our direct reports. [1]
Principle 4. Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today
According to Scott, burnout happens not because we’re solving problems but because we’ve repeatedly tried to solve the same problem. She emphasizes the importance of identifying and facing real-life obstacles. Thus, to avoid burnout, keeping up with the people vital to our success and happiness is crucial.
Scott also suggests traveling light without any specific agenda. Moreover, she highlights that confrontation, when done courageously and skillfully, is a valuable gift that helps uncover the truth and strengthens healthy relationships, including confrontation and appreciation.
Principle 5. Obey Your Instincts
We must trust and follow our instincts when it comes to conversations. Our inner radar is reliable, but we may doubt ourselves. Scott compares our instincts to an intelligence agent who sends us messages all day. We should therefore pay attention to these signals and share our thoughts with others.
During conversations, we shouldn’t only focus on the words we hear but also listen for emotions and intentions. Instead of ignoring our instincts due to fear or the risk of offending someone, we should act on them. Scott suggests observing how the conversation changes when we do this and encourages others to do the same.
Principle 6. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake
A leader must recognize that no comment is trivial regarding their role. Even a remark they don’t remember making can have a powerful impact on someone who looks up to them. The key, then, is to understand that our conversations are the foundation of our relationships. To communicate effectively, we must strive for clarity, conviction, and compassion.
Similarly, in any significant relationship, we must treat every comment with importance. We must give others the same kind of respect and understanding we desire. By clarifying our intentions and facing difficult conversations head-on, we can create a safe space for profound change and growth.
Principle 7. Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting
Scott emphasizes the importance of meaningful conversations and the role of silence in facilitating them. When conversations are filled with empty talk, they lack depth and significance. Thus, to make conversations memorable, it’s essential we create breathing space by slowing down the pace. By doing so, we can allow for insights to emerge in the pauses between words.
Instead of talking at people, we should engage in dialogue with them, especially when discussing emotionally charged topics. In such cases, silence becomes even more crucial as it helps us uncover the true essence of the conversation. When embracing silence, we tap into a deeper level of understanding and allow our emotions to guide us.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Susan Scott’s Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations highlights the importance of real conversations leading to meaningful change. By practicing the principles of fierce conversations, we can improve our relationships and achieve our goals.
Remember to interrogate reality, come out from behind yourself, be present in the moment, tackle your toughest challenges, follow your instincts, take responsibility for your emotional wake, and let silence do the heavy lifting.
Footnotes
[1] The Decision Tree is a method of delegation and professional development. Here’s an overview:
- For Leaf Decisions, make the decision, and act on it, but do not report the action you took.
- For Branch Decisions, make the decision, and act on it, but report the action you took daily, weekly, or monthly.
- For Trunk Decisions, make the decision, but report your decision before you take action.
- For Root Decisions, make the decision jointly with input from many people.
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