A few months ago, my wife and I were visiting the UK.
After arriving in Manchester, we checked into our hotel. But unbeknownst to me when I booked it, the hotel had a self-service check-in.
No reception; just a few employees on hand to help if needed.
I approached the check-in, typed in my booking number and… nothing.
I tried once more, carefully checking the number, character by character, but it made no difference.
“No reservation found. Please wait for assistance.”
Worn out after a long day of travel, I tried once more, only this time, typed my number in lowercase.
(Hey, got to try everything, right?)
Nothing.
At this point, I could feel my patience slipping and several expectations slowly creeping in…
- “There ought to be a reception like other hotels.”
- “An employee could have helped me by now.”
- “Checking in should be easier.”
After a few minutes, a hotel employee noticed my challenge and approached to help.
“Are you alright there, sir?”
And that’s when it hit me…
The Gap.
It’s What You Do in the Gap
In life, there’s a space between stimulus and response, a moment of stark awareness where you have a chance to decide how you will behave in a given situation.
I call it the “Gap.”
(If you’ve read The 7 Habits of Highly-Effective People, you will recognize the above image as “The Proactive Model.” The Gap is otherwise known as our “Freedom to Choose.”)
The Gap isn’t always easy to recognize. I’ll grant that. But when it is… it carries with it a seed of opportunity, a chance to grow, to become more than you think you’re capable of.
I believe, in life, it’s what you do in the Gap that determines who you become and where you go.
The duration of the Gap varies from one situation to another. It might last mere milliseconds the moment following an altercation with a driver cutting you off. By contrast, it might linger for hours, even days, after receiving a snarky email from a work colleague.
While tempting to believe otherwise, the Gap’s duration isn’t always an advantage. After all, the longer you have to deliberate how to behave, the easier it is to handicap yourself due to the possibility of analysis paralysis.
In reality, the Gaps that offer the greatest opportunity to learn, are the ones where you don’t have time to deliberate, when you don’t have any willpower to rely on, when you’re NOT your best, when you feel justified to behave a way the situation often dictates, when it’s actually expected of you.
With Each Gap Comes an Unexpected Outcome
In my Gap, I could have expressed annoyance. I might have even been justified to behave as such. But knowing the above, I chose to compose myself.
As brief as my Gap was, I reminded myself of one of my favorite Epictetus quotes:
“Always conduct yourself as though you are at a formal dinner.”
I reminded myself where I was and the company I was in and replied:
“I’m having trouble checking in,” I confessed, embarrassingly. “It’s been a long day. Can you help me?”
“Of course,” she smiled.
The employee tried herself and again, surprisingly, couldn’t check-in either.
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing it wasn’t just me.
“Leave it with me,” she said, before walking off.
I watched her walk off into another room, before filling my wife in on what was happening and why we hadn’t checked in yet.
A few moments later, the employee returned, bearing good news…
“Okay, I’ve taken care of that for you. You’re all checked in now. I’ve also upgraded you to one of our Executive Suite. Oh, and you can take anything you want from the minibar—free of charge. Apologies again for the inconvenience.”
I thanked her for her hospitality. As my wife and I rode the elevator to the top floor, I couldn’t help but smile knowingly.
It’s what you do in the Gap.
Awesome little anecdote Sam!
The Gap is an amazing opportunity to take things to the next level and “play the game” better.
I’ve also found that surrounding yourself with people who are mindful in that way habitually — and rather ruthlessly cutting out people who react in unproductive and harmful ways — to be a huge influence in my default gap management.
I like these vignettes, you should write more!
Thanks a lot, Vic. I’m glad you liked it. Hope all is well with you my friend. 🙂
Hello Sam,
I liked this article very much. Beautifully written and impactful without being preachy.
I particularly appreciate what you say about the inner development in me when the gap is short. The phenomenon is a cause and an effect in itself. I get to choose to act matured (like at a formal dinner) when I am able to see I am in a “gap moment” and the more gap moments I experience the more the chances I have, in growing.
Thanks for the food for thought.
Shiva
Thanks, Shiva. I’m glad you found it useful. 🙂
I like the subject. Most of us have gaps in their life. I think the reaction has no realation with the situation. Our interpretation of the situation specify our reaction.
I couldn’t agree more. 🙂
This is a great way to look at it. Someone threatened me the other day and although I knew I would go nowhere and it was because they were having a bad time I rose to the fight and we fell out. I could have chose another way but I saw it once it was too late and regreted not being the bigger man. The gap was small this time but if I’d have seen it as a gap in which to chose my behaviour I’d have acted better.
Thanks for reading, Joe. Glad you found it useful. 🙂
Thank you for ‘The Gap’ and the Epictetus quotation. I hope to remember your advice next time I feel challenged and may act discourteously.
Thanks, Carmel. Let me know how you get on. 🙂
Great food for thought. I do find myself ‘raging’ when cut off but what does that REALLY gain? The driver may or may NOT adjust their style of driving . The only one left with a furrowed brow is me.
Remembering the Gap when driving is especially challenging. 🙂
This is so true! I let myself forget this portion of the 7 habits book… which shows my ineffective listening skills when I listen to audio-books. I think i have the 10hr unabridged version so that’s also an example of too much information may keep you from learning important information. As a parent, there is so many gaps its not funny yes I chuckle at how crazy it can get. Every interaction and request comes with a gap to choose to love, respect, react, or fall into bad habits. In work, its a different type of gap but also numerous and important to choose the better response. Split seconds to choose productivity or idleness. They all seem to have the potential to help move toward a response that helps. Choose the right response in many small gaps is what success looks like.
Thanks for reading, Leland. I agree. Parenting is in a league of its own. 🙂
YES! The Gap in parenting. This is where I don’t always get it right, but I’m proud of myself for trying to “mind the gap” and respond lovingly more often than not.
The gap, yes! That’s the perfect word for it. It makes me visualize the neurons in my brain waiting for my order. If I say jump, they do. If I say down boy, they relax. And they learn. What I should remember is that I am their master. They look to me for training. 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Sam!
Glad you found it helpful, Meenakshi. 🙂
This piece change my entire pespective on behaviour. I have anger issues sometimes and end up saying things because of unawareness. This will definately help me act better no matter the stimulus.
Thanks, Dama. I’m glad you found it useful.
Hi Sam, as always, great writing – just on the spot. Thank you
Thanks, Tomas. I appreciate the kind words. 🙂