Words Into Works #105 | The Invalidation Triple Threat

At the heart of many failing marriages, according to Matthew Fray in his book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends, lies a pervasive yet often overlooked issue: invalidation.

Such an issue isn’t just about ignoring or dismissing your partner’s feelings. Rather, it’s a triple threat that undercuts the very foundation of trust and intimacy in a relationship.

A destructive pattern in marital communication that hampers the relationship, “The Invalidation Triple Threat” refers to and involves three types of invalidating responses from a spouse (often the husband) when their partner expresses feelings or concerns:

1. Denying the validity of their partner’s thoughts;
2. Dismissing their feelings as overreactions; and
3. Justifying their own behavior that caused the upset.

This pattern undermines trust, fails to acknowledge the partner’s emotional experience, and can perpetually damage the relationship by creating conflict and eroding trust.

The “Invalidation Triple Threat: A Closer Look

The “Invalidation Triple Threat” consists of three specific behaviors that contribute to the undermining of marital relationships:

1. “My wife’s thoughts were wrong.” This behavior involves the husband insisting that his wife’s recollection of an event that upset her is incorrect. He believes that since she is mistaken about what occurred, she has no reason to be upset.
2. “My wife’s feelings were wrong.” In this case, the husband believes that his wife overreacted to the situation that caused her pain. He discounts her feelings, essentially telling her that her emotional response is not valid or justified.
3. The “justifiable defense.” This is where the husband rationalizes the behavior that hurt his wife, building a case for why what he said or did makes sense. This behavior is particularly insidious because it not only dismisses her feelings but also sets the stage for him to behave similarly in the future, thereby nullifying her concerns and perpetuating the cycle of invalidation.

The Silent Relationship Killer You Must Avoid At All Costs

When one partner consistently invalidates the other’s experiences, it sends a powerful message: “Your feelings don’t matter.”

A message such as this, whether conveyed through words, actions, or lack of action, can lead to profound emotional distress, resentment, and disconnection.

Why is this so dangerous? It attacks the core of partnership—the fundamental belief that one is seen, heard, and valued by their significant other.

Fray highlights the insidious nature of these actions, which might seem trivial at the moment but have a profound impact over time.

Moreover, they slowly chip away at the foundation of trust, respect, and love, leading to a significant rift that many couples find difficult to mend.

Applying It In Daily Life

To incorporate the insights from “The Invalidation Triple Threat” into everyday life, Fray suggests adopting the following strategies:

• Embrace Active Listening: Pay close attention to your partner’s words, showing engagement by summarizing their points and asking questions for clarity. This validates their perspective and feelings.
• Acknowledge Emotions: Recognize and validate your partner’s feelings without dismissing them. Understand that validation doesn’t require agreement, just acknowledgment of their emotional experience.
• Assume Responsibility: When you realize your actions have hurt your partner, it’s crucial to acknowledge this. Offer a genuine apology and engage in a meaningful conversation about how to avoid such issues in the future.

For instance, if your partner feels neglected due to your late work hours, rather than dismissing their feelings, acknowledge the impact of your absence and work together to schedule quality time. Or, in disagreements about parenting, rather than insisting on your approach, try to understand your partner’s perspective, seeking a compromise that respects both viewpoints.

Adopting these practices not only counteracts the detrimental effects of invalidation but also cultivates a deeper, more empathetic connection, which in turn transforms potential conflicts into valuable opportunities for enhanced understanding, thereby enriching the fabric of our relationships.

Conclusion

The Invalidation Triple Threat is a powerful lens through which we can examine and improve our relationships. Fray’s insights not only illuminate common pitfalls but also offer a path toward greater understanding, empathy, and connection.

When we recognize the value of our partner’s experiences and work to validate rather than invalidate them together, we can transform our relationships into sources of strength and mutual growth.