David Sedaris, a journalist, working for The New Yorker, was sitting in the back of a car, watching the seemingly endless suburbs of Melbourne, Australia, pass by, when Pat, his friend, and guide while in Australia, proposed to him a thought experiment. [1]
“Imagine a four-burner stove,” she started, recounting an idea she learned having attended a recent management seminar. “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.”
Pat continued and explained that to be successful, you have to cut off one of your burners. But to be really successful, as she put it, you have to cut off two.
Work-Life Unbalance
In a previous issue of Words Into Works, we discussed the notion of Less, But Better, the idea that it’s better to say no to many trivial activities and opportunities that don’t matter so we can say yes to the vital few that do.
But what about family, friends, health, and work? How can we be expected to say no to what we consider essential already? Our first inclination after reading the above might be to try to disapprove of such a theory.
We might use ourselves or someone we like, know and admire as an outliner of someone keeping all four burners running. “My friend seems like they’re making it all work. Who says I can’t do the same?”
The problem with assuming such a balance is twofold. First, everyone values family, friends, health, and work differently. Returning to Pat as an example, cutting off her family was a no-brainer because both of her parents were severe alcoholics—family meant very little to her and, as such, was easy to cut out.
The second problem with assuming we can bypass The Four Burners Theory is “successful” and “really successful” are subject to interpretation.
When asked, “When you think of the word ‘successful,’ who’s the first person that comes to mind?” entrepreneur Derek Sivers answered business magnate Richard Branson before adding, having thought about his answer, that we can never truly know without knowing a person’s aims.
“What if Richard Branson set out to live a quiet life, but like a compulsive gambler, he just can’t stop creating companies?” added Sivers, explaining his rationale. “Then that changes everything, and we can’t call him successful anymore.” [2]
If, however, we can identify what each of these terms means to us right now—our definitions will change over time—then there are three lenses through which we can view the four burners, allowing us to avoid cutting them off completely.
Three Views of the Four Burners
The first option to bypass the four burners, writes author James Clear, is to outsource aspects of work (if you’re an entrepreneur) and family (which many of us do already in the form of childcare). The downside, of course, is few of us want to outsource any area that gives our life meaning. No one with children, after all, wants to outsource childcare, but it’s done at a bare minimum to keep the career burner running.
The second option is to embrace constraints by maximizing the time we already have. As we discussed above, one way to do that is to say no to anything that doesn’t make the highest possible contribution to our goals. It’s hard to complain that we don’t have time when we take an inventory of how we spend it and realize much is wasted on non-essential tasks and activities. This is the way of the Essentialist.
Finally, the third option is to break your life into seasons. If you’re child-free, for instance, you might be able to keep all four burners running at an even keel, working out regularly, meeting friends, moving up in your career. But if you’re a new parent—especially if you’re in your first year—everything but family is likely turned down to a barely a simmer while you navigate your new identity as a parent.
It’s important to mention here that what might be a season for you—a quarter, a year, a decade—might feel like a long time to neglect other critical areas of your life, but in contrast to the rest of your life, it’s time well invested assuming you’re aligned with your highest purpose. [4]
In summary, if we must choose one option to focus on, thinking in seasons is perhaps the best, most pragmatic approach for most of us thinking about The Four Burners Theory. What might help in the long term is not cutting off our burners but turning down any that aren’t a priority and resting in the knowledge that we can always turn one or more back up at a time of our choosing.
Footnotes
[1] Laugh, Kookaburra by David Sedaris.
[2] “Derek Sivers Reloaded – On Success Habits and Billionaires with Perfect Abs (#128).”
[3] The Downside of Work-Life Balance by James Clear.
[4] I like Nathan Barry’s view on breaking your life into seasons in his article, “Seasons“: “Instead of trying to do everything at once, dedicate seasons of your life to one thing.”
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