Words Into Works #034 | The Double Standard Technique

In his book, Feeling Great, Dr. David Burns recounts a conversation with a carpenter, Frank, who was painting his house. One day, upon returning home, Dr. Burns noticed a change in Frank’s usually sunny disposition and asked if he was feeling alright. 

“I’m getting old,” he confessed, fighting back tears. “My body won’t be able to keep up the same pace for much longer. I’m worried that I might not have enough money to support my wife and me when I retire. “I’ve never accomplished anything meaningful or significant in my life.”

Feeling bad for Frank, Dr. Burns asked if he could try something helpful called the double standard technique. 

Here’s how he describes it,

When we’re upset or fall short of our goals, we tend to beat up on ourselves with harsh criticisms. But if we were talking to a dear friend with the same exact problem, we’d do so in a far more compassionate, supportive, and realistic way. Once you’re aware of this, you can ask yourself if you’d be willing to talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you’d talk to a dear friend.

After asking what he would say to a friend in his position, Frank replied that he would remind that friend that he and his wife would have a decent retirement and be fine even if he decided to retire someday. Moreover, he would assure his friend that he had never once received a complaint about his work, not even once, nor had he ever cheated anyone—and that’s as meaningful as it is significant.

Much to Frank’s surprise, his sadness wasn’t caused by his age, nor his fear of financial hardship come retirement, but rather, his negative thoughts. As Dr. Burns first wrote in his bestseller, Feeling Good (and continues to posit in his, Feeling Great), our feelings are created by our thoughts, and our thoughts, when negative, always contain gross distortions. [2]

When we generalize, assume blame, or “should” on ourselves, to name a few examples, we take our thoughts as rational and self-evident. But when the shoe is on the other foot, and we talk to ourselves as we would with a friend we like, know, and care for, we shed light on the falsehoods that plague our negative thoughts.    

Footnotes

[1] Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety by Dr. David Burns.

[2] Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.