We all experience failure in one form or another. But blaming, while admittedly helpful at times, robs our ability to pinpoint the real problem and learn from our mistakes.
Thomas Andrews, the man responsible for building the Titanic, was last seen by many alone, arms folded, racked with guilt moments before the ship floundered on its maiden voyage. While heroic in his final hour, he bore the brunt of a tragedy that many today argue was neither warranted nor necessary.
Blame, more specifically self-blame, is one of ten cognitive distortions Dr. David Burns outlines in his books Feeling Good and more recently, Feeling Great.
“When you feel depressed or anxious, there’s a good chance you’re blaming yourself and telling yourself you’re no good because of some flaw or failure,” writes Dr. Burns. “When you’re angry or not getting along with someone else, the odds are high that you’re blaming the other person for the conflict.” [1]
This is what Epictetus meant when he wrote that ignorance comes from blaming others, but wisdom comes from avoiding blaming altogether. It’s not that we’re trying to forgo accountability; indeed, we ought to assume blame when we’re at fault (and even when we’re not, to riff on a popular quote, “Everything is my fault.”) [2]
One way to abolish blame, writes Dr. Burns, is to examine all the possible factors that contributed to a failure by asking a quality question like, “What caused this problem? What did I contribute, and what did others contribute? What can I learn from the situation?” Avoid blame where possible. Seek wisdom.
Footnotes
[1] The Goodlife Handbook by Epictetus.
[2] Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety by Dr. David Burns.
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