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The Book in One Sentence
- The Little Book of Yes contains 21 short essays that outline a range of effective persuasion strategies, each proven to increase the chances that someone will agree to your requests.
The Little Book of Yes Summary
1. Giving
Big Idea:
Giving to others is the first step to getting what you want.
Next Actions:
Think about someone you want to persuade, or who you want something from. What could you do or provide to help them first?
Think of ways to make your requests more personalized. Could you use handwritten notes, or call someone, rather than using email?
Get into the habit of asking, “Who can I help?” rather than “Who can help me?”
2. Exchanging
Big Idea:
Exchanging is the process of giving and receiving between people in such a way that everyone benefits.
Next Actions:
If you feel that people often take advantage of you, you may be saying things like “no problem” too often. What could you say instead?
Listen out for when people say “thank you” to you. Keep a thank-you diary, taking care to notice whether the balance of give and take in your life is equal.
Look for ways to pay favors forward. If a colleague appreciates your help, ask if they could pass their help on to someone else in your team or network.
3. Gifting
Big Idea:
People are willing to give back to others when they have first received themselves.
Next Actions:
If you want to be known among your friends and family as a thoughtful and generous gift-giver (while secretly remaining a thrifty one too), purchase high-value gifts from low-value product categories (like the £45 scarf) rather than low-value gifts from high-value categories.
4. Cooperating
Big Idea:
Thinking “we” rather than “you vs. me” will bring people to your side in more ways than one.
Next Actions:
Next time you have a project or proposal you want to pitch, say to your boss, “I’d really love to get your input on this.” Gaining their input creates a convergence of ideas and is a key step in successful persuasion.
When dealing with stand-offish colleagues or neighbors, try to find out what you have in common and highlight that before trying to persuade them. Do a quick search on LinkedIn or Facebook before meeting someone for the first time and look for shared interests and common experiences.
Asking for advice leads to a perception of partnership, teamwork, and, ultimately, cooperation.
5. Pausing
Big Idea:
Emotion affects all our interactions so take a moment to check in with yourself before attempting to influence others
Before important meetings and interactions, ask yourself: “What state of mind am I in right now?” If it is an unhelpful one, then pause to let those feelings subside.
Find ways to guard against strong emotions interrupting your meetings. Get some fresh air beforehand. Talk a short walk. Be still for a moment. Try to create separation from an unhelpful emotional state.
When asking someone for something, make sure that it’s a good time—if they seem upset, angry or troubled, come back later.
Further Reading
To learn more about pausing, read my “Words Into Works 11 | Words Into Works 9 | Goodhart’s Law.”
6. Compromising
Big Idea:
First requests can significantly influence the success of later ones—so start with a high demand and then compromise.
Next Actions:
When it comes to agreeing to requests, people are often much more likely to say “Yes” to a smaller request immediately after they have said “No” to a larger one.
Ask yourself: “What is my ideal goal, and what would I be prepared to accept as a compromise?” Be prepared and know in advance what you want and what you’d settle with. Your ideal goal should always be your opening proposal.
Avoid the temptation to reduce your opening request in the belief that it will be rejected. The word “No” is your friend in situations like these. Be bold and make a second request.
7. Knowing
Big Idea:
Demonstrating your expertise and knowledge before you start speaking will make sure that people listen.
Next Actions:
Wherever possible, arrange for someone else to introduce you.
If that isn’t possible, send your biography or profile in advance of any meeting.
Include qualifications and experience at the very top of your CV. Never hide them away at the end.
8. Admitting
Big Idea:
By being upfront about the downsides in your ideas, you can increase your authenticity and your persuasiveness.
Notes:
Wabi-sabi is the aesthetic world view of finding and appreciating the beauty in imperfection, impermanence, and incompletion.
The Pratfall Effect describes how the attractiveness of a person increases after they admit a mistake, but only if they are relatively competent in the first place.
Next Actions:
In order to embrace your small flaws, you need to be aware of them. Make a (short) list of yours. If you find that hard or don’t think you possess any flaws, ask a friend or partner who may see something that is invisible to you.
Don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes or small bad habits—but don’t begin confessing all your guilty secrets.
9. Asking
Big Idea:
Asking for help can be an effective way of building bridges with people. And, ultimately, persuading them to your side.
Next Actions:
Over a week, keep a record of the numbers of ‘Yeses’ and ‘Nos’ your direct requests receive—you’ll soon notice the impact of asking.
Remember that a short sting of possible embarrassment is a small price to pay compared to the lingering ache of “if only.”
Next time you want something—ask for it.
10. Conversing
Big Idea:
When it comes to successful influence, it’s good to talk.
Next Actions:
Next time you are on a plane, a bus or at a conference and the person next to you isn’t looking down at their phone or otherwise occupied, try saying “hello.”
Practice “introducing yourself” in front of a mirror—remember eye contact and a genuine smile.
When dining with friends, encourage more conversation by agreeing to place mobile phones in the center of the table.
11. Humanizing
Big Idea:
When it comes to persuading audiences, stories trump facts, and humanity beats statistics.
Next Actions:
When you are clear about your goal, find a story that will bring it to life, and make it desirable to others.
Think about what makes a good story—find characters your audience can identify with, and show their motivation and desires.
Wherever possible, use pictures of people as well as, or instead of, charts and spreadsheets in order to convey your message.
12. Liking
Big Idea:
To get someone to agree with you, get them to like you first.
Next Actions:
The first step to getting someone to agree with you is, often, to make them like you. Increase this possibility by identifying your commonalities.
Do your preparation. Seek out similarities, such as shared backgrounds, interests, and experiences.
Be sure to highlight them before making your pitch or request.
13. Complementing
Big Idea:
It’s not enough for someone to like you—find genuine ways to show that you like your listener and make them feel seen.
Next Actions:
Before asking someone for something, think of one good thing about them, and include a compliment in your conversation. This doesn’t always have to be in the moment. Cultivate a positive relationship and use compliments generally.
This can make people feel positive towards you so that when the time comes to ask a favor, they may be more likely to say yes.
14. Labeling
Big Idea:
Labeling involves assigning a trait, attitude, belief, or another label to a person before making a request of that person that’s consistent with that label.
Next Actions
Get into the habit of genuinely labeling people with the sort of traits that are consistent with the request you are about to make.
Be careful with negative labels, though. Don’t be surprised if bemoaning your friend’s tardiness makes her even later next time you go out together.
If possible, recall a time when you’ve been labeled positively by someone else (as hard-working, say) and remind yourself of its beneficial effects.
15. Reasoning
Big Idea:
Always give the reason behind your request.
Next Actions:
Before you ask someone for something, make sure that you are clear why you are asking for it. And then make sure that they know too.
To work out your reason, ask yourself: “What benefit will be gained as a result of my request?”
Make sure that you use the word “because” during your request to flag up your reasoning.
16. Committing
Big Idea:
To receive real commitment to your requests, emphasise quantifiable, public goal-setting.
Next Actions:
Next time you want someone to commit to something, give them a specific goal.
Bring up your commitments, or those of others, in public: at a bar, tell friends that your other friend has promised to go on holiday with you that summer; talk about your commitment to run a marathon on Facebook; promise that your team will deliver a project in a work meeting.
When setting goals for yourself, have in mind a range of outcomes that you’d be happy with, rather than a single one.
17. Implementing
Big Idea:
To encourage others to honour their promises, ask them to create a concrete plan for where, when and how they will do it.
Remember that when creating a goal it may not be enough to just write that goal down on a to-do list.
Once you have identified a goal, create an implementation plan with specific steps about when, where and how you will deliver it.
When persuading others, encourage them to do the same. If you manage a team or are responsible for managing a project have regular implementation plan reviews.
Further Reading
To learn more about implementation intentions, read “Words Into Works 3 | The Teriss Effect.”
18. Comparing
Big Idea:
What you compare an idea or request to can be as important as the idea or request itself.
Next Actions:
All other things being equal, in a competitive situation with three or more candidates, try to arrange to go last.
When preparing proposals or requests, always ensure that you think about a favourable comparison.
Think about what or who your listeners will be comparing you with—and make sure you give them a more favourable alternative.
19. Following
Big Idea:
People will follow others’ lead—so make sure that you highlight those whom you’ve already persuaded.
Next Actions:
Be sure to show how people in a similar situation to those you want to influence have acted.
People follow those most similar to themselves. So rather than using the testimonial you are most proud of, use the one that comes from someone most like your influence target.
Build ‘follows’ on your social networks by highlighting your increasing number of followers. If your followers have risen from two hundred to four hundred you could tweet about the fact that the number has doubled; on Instagram, offer an incentive for your followers to help you reach a certain number.
20. Losing
Big Idea:
Because losses weigh more heavily than gains, highlight to your listener what they stand to lose.
Next Actions:
Think about the things someone you want to persuade will gain if they say “Yes” to your request. Now state those as things they could lose if they don’t carefully consider your offer.
Use competition to increase your persuasiveness. If people come to know that your availability or services are in demand by others then these things become more attractive.
Value your time so that others will too. Don’t say “I’m free all day, you choose a time.” Instead say: “I can meet on Saturday, either at four or seven.”
21. Ending
Big Idea:
If you want to have impact, and for people to remember you, make sure that you end on a high.
Next Actions:
Try to save the best news until last. It will have a much bigger impact on people.
When presenting, ask yourself ‘what do I want people to remember most?’ and offer that at the end.
Make a point of reminding yourself and your team members of the good times. It is easy to forget great times that have been shared—especially if some of them didn’t end so well.
Further Reading
To learn more about endings, read The Power of Moments by Chip Heath and Dan Heath.
Additional Reading and Resources
- Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely
- How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
- Influence: Science and Practice, Fifth Edition by Robert B. Cialdini
- Pre-Suasion: A Revolutionary Way to Influence and Persuade by Robert B. Cialdini
- Friend or Foe by Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer
- Yes! 60 Secrets from the Science of Persuasion by Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin and Robert Cialdini
- Made to Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
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